I am thankful for introspect. Introspect is examining one’s own thoughts or feelings. I am also thankful for my internal drive, the force to keep going, to do what is for me, as a result of my introspect.
There are so many distractions in this world, outside of ourselves. There are so many messages and voices on what we should be, what we ought to be, and what we could be. But do we actually ask ourselves enough what is it that we think and feel, and are these things as a result of our own internal voice, a calling from above, or something forced upon us by someone beside us?
When I was really young, I had no care if I was not fitting in. I wanted to be inside the house and read a book. I didn’t care what all the other kids were doing. I didn’t care I was made fun of for being in a book. I had comfort with my book and I was happy and content with that. When I examined myself and saw that I was not like all the kids, I was totally ok with it. I was internally driven to be with me and the things I liked, instead of being externally driven to be out there with them because I was not like them if I stayed in.
When I got older into my early 20s, I did less of introspect and listening of the self. I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to look cool. While all looked well, all the while, I was losing the internally happy me. I wasn’t getting to do what I really wanted to do. When you are out clubbing and surrounded by noise almost every night, there is little time to dwell in quiet learning – what I really loved! The people around me was not of that mind and I had little internal drive to break away and go back to the beat of my own drum.
Eventually clubbing, partying, and getting wasted and looking really glam while doing it got old. The natural maturity of my brain, thinking and thought process kicked in. With a growing need for change, my internal drive took over the external forces. Exposure to things that had always mattered to me back in my early years became more prominent again. All the external noise I had been around was no longer loud enough to drown out my internal voices. I, again, did not care more about the voices of others around me more than the voices in me and the calling from above.
I went on a search but did not have to go very far. I had returned to life of introspect. I drenched myself in learning again – from philosophy, personal development, history, and even domestic arts! I read about people of courage and values. I aspired to be one of them; people who followed the beat of their own drum and making a difference. My head was filled with good things and my actions reflected my values. Even if the people around me were doing or thinking something different, I had the drive again to be true to myself.
Eventually, people of like-mind started coming coming into my life and it felt – and still feels – amazing. I asked God for real friends. People who “get” me. And little by little and then all of a sudden, people of like mind and friends are around me. (I still do have friends of non-like mind). Finding people that you fit with because you already are and have been is like finding that last piece to a puzzle – or the feeling of putting on that perfect pair of shoes and it screams in comfort “Take me home!” Had I pretended to be someone else, gone with the flow of others, and not pay attention to my own thought and feelings and have the balls to be of my values, I would not be at this place in life where I am happy, content, full, and can give to others.
Introspect and internal drive, I am thankful for you.